Simple Truths

I am a very thankful woman right now.

Two months ago, I came down with what I thought was the stomach flu. I was sick for a few days, and actually passed out once while using the bathroom. My lower abdomen remained tender for the next few weeks, and I continued feeling bloated and sick. But, I started taking lots of fiber, and felt like I got better.

But, again, about a month ago, I had another episode of this same "sickness." I made a doctor's appointment at this point, and started trying to manage the pain. After about a week of tiredness, abdominal pain, and upset stomach, I decided to take a pregnancy test. I knew it was a long shot, but a tubal pregnancy would explain what I was feeling. The test came back positive! We were pregnant.

I started trying to convince myself that the reason I was feeling so crappy was because of the pregnancy. And I got really excited when I couldn't do up my pants, because I thought it meant I was quite far along.

Last Tuesday, I started bleeding heavily, and the amount of pain I was in increased dramatically. I spent the day in the ER. The nurses and doctor that took care of me were wonderful. However, we received a huge shock. The pregnancy was confirmed, as well as the impending miscarriage, but they also found a 5-6 inch mass in my pelvic area. I was only about 6 weeks along in the pregnancy, but because the mass was so large it was obviously why I was feeling so pregnant and in pain. The doctor in the ER couldn't tell us what the mass looked like, but I had an appointment with the OB the next day.

We spent that night worrying about what was happening. We had to come to terms that we were losing this pregnancy. A pregnancy that was a total shock and surprise, that took some time to come to terms with, but that we were thrilled about. Having a baby would have been a blessing, however unexpected and unplanned.

But, added to that, we had no idea what was ahead of us as far as the mass growing in my pelvis. After watching Dan's dad die last year from cancer, the worst was obviously on our mind. I spent the night worrying that I might have to say goodbye to my children. I was absolutely out of my mind trying to deal with it. I could not stop hugging and loving them and my amazing husband.

Luckily, I didn't have to wait long to meet with the Dr. I went to what was supposed to be my first prenatal appointment the following day. He started by reassuring us that the mass was likely not cancerous and that it was not dangerous, just painful. He said that we could take care of it easily, but that I would need surgery. He then confirmed the miscarriage with an ultrasound.

So, from here, I'm just waiting to see when I will be having surgery so that I can finally be comfortable and out of pain (and not feel pregnant anymore). The surgery will be simple and safe. Because of the size of the mass, it will be a rather large incision and I will be in the hospital for a day or two. The Dr. says I will feel significantly better very quickly.

We are also dealing very with the miscarriage. We are sad and we've shed tears, but we are at peace with the way things are. We know that our family is perfect however it is. We have learned by long experience to trust that we can be happy no matter what.

We have been reassured that these two incidents are not related. It just so happened that I lost my only pregnancy in 7 years right when this whole growth thing came to a head. Maybe it's a coincidence, maybe it was the only way I was going to realize I needed help, but either way, they aren't related in any way.

Sometimes we just need a life-changing event to remind us how lucky we are to have what we have. Life is good, and I'm beyond blessed. I've got the best children in the world - two little angels whom I get to teach and love. Plus, the very best husband in the world, who has totally stepped up and become the best caretaker ever these past few days (not to mention the past few months that I've been feeling so yucky and he's been slowly taking over more and more for me).

The most important thing I have in my life that has been reinforced through this whole experience is that I know what is truly important. Last Sunday, just two days before this whole ordeal began, Emma bore her testimony for the first time. She stood up, so brave and tall, and told everyone that she knows that she will see her grandpa again, because our family will be together forever (it's called the "blesrection"). It's these simple truths that become so clear and powerful. And I'm thankful to have that.